Principal Gopher Honored at Retirement Sock Hop; Lizzy Leads Conga Line

JOSHUA TREE BENCH— The gymnasium glittered with crepe paper and goodwill Friday as Principal Gopher was honored at a retirement sock hop attended by generations of alumni, current students, and at least three former detention chairs repurposed as nostalgic seating. Lizzy Lizard, spelling-bee alumna and sixth-grade morale officer, led the conga line with a sash reading “Spell Like You Mean It—But Dance Like You Mean More.”

Gopher’s career highlights—forty-one years of hall passes, one legendary pep rally involving a borrowed fog machine, and the chrome trophy case that still gleams—flashed on a slide projector wheezing like an old friend. Wendell Whiptail presented a volcano-shaped cake that did not erupt on schedule, which Gopher called “a fitting final homework assignment.”

Mayor Tortoise delivered remarks in a crisp four minutes, noting that Gopher had “outlasted three gym floors and one questionable mascot redesign.” Ms. Ibis donated a cart of books for the retirement porch; Chairwoman Porcupine contributed slippers with quilted soles sturdy enough for pacing lesson plans at dawn.

The dance ended with “Sh-Boom” and a group photo where nobody blinked. If you see Gopher on his morning walk this spring, wave—principals retire, but they rarely stop cheering.